Author Archives: 99Chris

Burger King

Posted on May 19, 2011 by 99Chris

This lunchtime, I sneaked off to Wendys and ate a double cheeseburger in my car. I caught a glimpse of myself eating in the mirror. I was hunched over the steering wheel like some grotesque cheeseburger-Gollum. The sky was grey … Continue reading →

Posted in Tragedy | Leave a comment

Finding my Inner Child

Posted on May 3, 2011 by 99Chris

I gave up smoking several months ago. I’m fine 97 percent of the time. During the other 3 percent, though, when I’m stomping around the house wondering about kicking the dog, I’ve noticed my wife trying to placate me with … Continue reading →

Posted in Coming of Age | Leave a comment

The Highlight of My Week

Posted on March 25, 2011 by 99Chris

This Tuesday, I failed my driving test. It was going so well too. We were on the little course in the car park and I’d just parallel parked in one, and backed into the allotted space without so much as … Continue reading →

Posted in Tragedy | Leave a comment

127 Seconds

Posted on March 14, 2011 by 99Chris

When I was nine, I went rock climbing on a ruined wall in the courtyard of Bodiam Castle in Sussex. I was a good ten feet up when I realised, with horror, that I was stuck. I regret to say … Continue reading →

Posted in Adventure | Leave a comment

Dirty Apes

Posted on March 9, 2011 by 99Chris

I’ve been mugged once in my life. It was by monkeys. Not the cute kind, more the large, aggressive sharp-fanged kind. It happened on a remote mountainside in India. There I was, walking along, when I was suddenly surrounded by … Continue reading →

Posted in Adventure | Leave a comment

Spit it out

Posted on March 6, 2011 by 99Chris

I’ve caught my dog with many things in her mouth. A book I was reading, for example. A paintbrush with wet paint on it. My hat. My gloves. A box of Ziploc bags. Several individual Ziploc bags from the burst … Continue reading →

Posted in Comedy | Leave a comment

Tiger

Posted on February 16, 2011 by 99Chris

Tiger the cat lived a hero’s life. All night, he hunted huge rabbits, which he ate in the kitchen. Waking up to a pile of blueish guts on the kitchen floor was no unusual thing. He got caught in a … Continue reading →

Posted in Romance | Leave a comment

The Day the Earth Moved

Posted on January 26, 2011 by 99Chris

I was in an earthquake once: a small one, but the real deal. It’s a very strange sensation. We were in an office in Dubai. All of a sudden, the world moved slightly and I felt a bit sick, but … Continue reading →

Posted in Adventure | 1 Comment

Unsung Superheroes

Posted on January 7, 2011 by 99Chris

I was walking through Leicester Square. It was an average day, with hordes of tourists and bumpkins wandering in circles, half-chewed McDonalds and Pepsi dribbling from their open mouths as they gazed at the big movie posters. This week, the … Continue reading →

Posted in Comedy | Leave a comment

The Spirit of Christmas Ruined

Posted on December 16, 2010 by 99Chris

This Christmas Eve, armed with a megaphone and a large white van, we drove around Tunbridge Wells town centre spreading joy with a pre-recorded announcement that ‘MONEY CANNOT BUY YOU HAPPINESS’. It wasn’t supposed to be an anti-consumerist statement. It … Continue reading →

Posted in Crime | Leave a comment