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Author Archives: Clay
Trial and Error
Today I left home at 8 a.m. without eating breakfast, and proceeded to spend the next seven hours trapped in a courtroom (as a reporter, not a defendant), where an opportunity for departure was not presented to anyone prior to … Continue reading
Posted in Crime
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In Which My Six-Year-Old Cousins Expresses His True Feelings Towards Me
While the adults were discussing whatever it is they discuss during our family Easter gathering, my gaze was transfixed on my six-year-old cousin as he repeatedly spat into a cup, reacting to each freshly discovered act of salival exodus with … Continue reading
The Unfortunate Highlight Of My Athletic Career
As an immature high schooler, I always believed if you saw someone lying down, there was nary a situation when it wasn’t comical to squat down and cut one right in their face. This theory was debunked with extreme prejudice … Continue reading
Posted in Tragedy
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A Pro Alcoholism Story
When I was 22, some friends and I ordered tickets to a 21+ concert. At the time I neither drank nor drove, thus never seeing the need for a driver’s license renewal. Well apparently you can’t get into bars with … Continue reading
Posted in Adventure
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The Write Stuff
As an aspiring writer, nothing compares to witnessing the way unbridled promise transforms itself into sole-crushing deflation as it will during a failed weekend of working at your alleged craft. Hours of inactivity (curse your intricately ingenious storylines iCarly!) make … Continue reading
Posted in Tragedy
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The Only Ship Worth A Damn is Penmanship
Once during my halcyon days as a grocery clerk, a gentleman signed a credit card receipt sloppily. “What are you, a doctor?” I cleverly quipped, before discovering he actually was. After he walked away, humiliated, I shared the note with … Continue reading
Posted in Comedy
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Pt. 4: Friendly Fire
Sitting alone one dull Saturday, I anticipated rescue from my boredom when my schoolyard chums called, asking if I’d be interesting in “participating in some good old fashioned teenage fun.” Sadly, my hopes of a wholesome day on the town … Continue reading
Posted in Crime
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Why I Hate My Friends Pt. 3
After two years of interactive celibacy, I finally made new friends my junior year of college. Being a very photogenic person, I decided to give my new acquaintances copies of my senior pictures, as they looked like people who would … Continue reading
Posted in Crime
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The Story of a Potentially Dead Dog
One summer my friend and I were walking past a country house, when a ravenous dog with mayhem on its mind burst from its young owner’s control and charged us. Deciding it was best only one of us die, my … Continue reading
Laugher Is The Deadliest Medicine
Some people are blessed with a smile that lights up a room. Conversely, I was cursed with one known to light up every sex offenders list within a 50 mile radius. Memo to anyone who may ever parent a child … Continue reading
Posted in Horror
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