Category Archives: Horror

So the other night, I was dreaming about fishing. Then, I’d somehow taken Osama bin Laden prisoner. I had him stuffed into one of those cat carriers that you use to take animals to the vet. Then I was sitting … Continue reading →

It’s Saturday morning in my college house. I wake up, my head banging with hangover. The pillow is cold and hard and white. It’s not actually a pillow; it’s the downstairs bathroom floor. I stand, painfully, climb to my feet … Continue reading →

I first encountered the phrase ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ on a Cub Scouts trip, when the leader, after a long day, asked wearily if anyone needed to use the bathroom before our bus left London for the … Continue reading →

I once went swimming with whale sharks, off the coast of Australia. It was amazing but I can’t say I enjoyed it. We were dropped by boat two miles out into the ocean where there were tiger sharks as well … Continue reading →

Last summer, my elbow swelled up. I mean really swelled, to the size of a (burning hot) tennis ball. 24 hours later, it looked like it was going to explode, so I went down to the emergency medical center, where … Continue reading →

At Oxford, Dan H and I got smashed by a gang of five lads one night. They chased us down the picturesque Lamb and Flag Alley and stomped us pretty well on the cobbled pavement. Dan was struggling to breathe … Continue reading →

Some people are blessed with a smile that lights up a room. Conversely, I was cursed with one known to light up every sex offenders list within a 50 mile radius. Memo to anyone who may ever parent a child … Continue reading →

When I was fifteen, I drank seven cans of beer and two litres of cider at a house party and I was absolutely fine. Then I had a shot of Malibu and I wasn’t. A long, trembling belch alerted my … Continue reading →

Today, I ate a huge burger for lunch. It was a work of art; a pile of steak sandwiched between two patties and a load of onion rings, like a massive wolf had spewed a half-digested cow onto two slices … Continue reading →